how to survive the holidaze

If you’re feeling uneasy about the holidays coming up, I feel you. It’s a time when whatever is complicated in your life, just gets amplified, and can become impossible to avoid. As much as it’s a whimsical time for many, if you’re feeling apprehensive about going home, you’re not alone.

Some of the most common holiday stressors this year, have to do with financial pressures and world events, but nothing is more relatable than struggling with family dynamics. While you can avoid a family member’s problematic behavior most of the year, when you’re forced into small quarters and you throw alcohol in the mix, there’s no getting away from it. On our last episode of Synced, we received a question about a parent’s drinking problem, and I thought Dax’s response was helpful for those who are struggling with a family or friend with addiction issues. I know it’s something that may come up during holiday parties, so I thought I would share some advice about how to approach it.

1. You have to be okay whether they’re drinking or they’re sober. This is a tough one, and may require practice, but if you can try to come back to this whenever you get upset, it will help make sure you’re coming from a self-regulated place. If you need someone to stop drinking to feel okay, that’s putting too much power in other people’s hands. It also guarantees that you’ll end up trying to control them, rather than control your reaction to them. Try and get to a place where your mood is not dictated by someone else’s choices or actions.

2. Use "I feel" statements. While your impulse might be to go into judgement and say things like “you always drink too much and embarrass yourself,” you’ll be more effective if you stick to how you feel. It’s more likely to get through because it’s harder for them to argue about something you’re feeling. By keeping the focus on yourself, you’ll also be avoiding blame and shame, which will foster more positive communication and enhance your likelihood of conflict resolution. It’s harder to start a fight when someone is just telling you how they feel.

3. Own it. When you share your feelings, own them fully. You can say, “when you drink I get really anxious and I’m struggling to manage that.” And since you’ve taken responsibility for it it, you can follow up that statement with a boundary. “That’s why I’m letting you know that if you get drunk, I’ll need to leave the party.” Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean. By owning your side of the street, you’re ensuring that your well-being is protected, but you’re also creating consequences for the other person, which may actually prompt them to make a change.

4. Reach out for help. Those struggling with alcohol or drugs have 12-step programs, but there are also peer support groups that exist for people who love them. Whether it’s dropping into your local Al-Anon meeting (in person or virtually) or joining a program like CODA (codependents anonymous), there are plenty of free resources to help you navigate all of it. You might even want to carve out space ahead of time where you can go to a meeting before or after a family gathering you’re expecting to be difficult. The person struggling in your life deserves support, but so do you.

No matter what you’re going through, I hope you know that everyone’s family has got something. It’s so easy to compare your situation to an imagined perfect one you created in your mind (or that you projected onto other people) but it’s just an illusion. There’s no specific way you’re supposed to feel during this time and you haven’t failed if you decide to spend most of the holiday in bed watching Elf for the fifth time to recharge and rest. You’ve been through a lot this year. No matter how people are acting around you, be kind to yourself.

Love

x

Liz