how to talk to single people

we need some new ground rules!

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I want to bring up a topic that’s near and dear to my heart: how we relate to single people.

Given that there’s more of us than there’s even been before, we need a proper refresher on single people etiquette.

If you’ve encountered more single people than you ever have before, that’s because we are in fact, multiplying. In the last few years, the slice of the population that’s unpartnered has been rising, especially amongst men and Black folks. A full 47% of us have never been married, are divorced or are widowed, which means that single people now make up almost half the population. But despite our growing place in society, the way single people tend to be treated doesn’t seem to reflect it.

Single people still get bombarded with unsolicited advice about how “they’ll find the one” despite the data showing that being in a relationship isn’t necessarily a superior arrangement. While couples who are about to tie the knot do report feeling happier, this drops off after their first year of marriage and eventually returns to their original baseline before they were coupled up. Data also shows that our job actually has a far bigger impact on our happiness than our relationship does, which means that we may be overvaluing how much being partnered plays into our life satisfaction to begin with.

And this doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that being in a relationship doesn’t equal being in a good relationship. I know that for me, some of my happiest moments have been because I was in a good relationship, but a disproportionate amount of the bad ones were because I was in the wrong relationship.

The effect is even more pronounced for women, who may be at their happiest when they’re unmarried. Many Black women now report intentionally and strategically choosing singlehood because it provides them with more freedom, safety and stability. So although finding your soulmate (if you believe in that) has many benefits, so does living life solo.

But you wouldn’t be able to tell that single people are roughly as happy as partnered folks, based on the way we talk to them. As a person who who has spent quite some time single, and quite some time not, I’ve noticed a stark difference between the way I’m treated depending on my relationship status. Being partnered tends to provide me with an invisible cloak of privacy and respect. People will ask questions about my personal life, but they’ll keep a healthy and boundaried distance. But as soon as I’m not longer partnered, that figurative fence fades away. Being single is a lot like being an exotic fish trapped in an aquarium that some married people come to visit for entertainment. You become a portal for them to relive a part of their life that they both disparage and miss.

This paradox of single people being the focus of both pity and envy, makes our interactions with coupled people somewhat peculiar. It means that partnered people will pry for details about our intimate lives that would be completely inappropriate for anyone to seek about theirs. “Okay but how big is it?” a married friend will ask, forgetting that if I were to request information about her husband’s appendage, it would be uncivil, at best. While single people are expected to share embarrassing details about their life, married people are supposed to conceal their partner’s flaws and embarrassing quirks. In other words, it’s fair game for married people to demand information about your dating life, despite them revealing absolutely nothing about theirs. And while I respect their cone of silence and desire for privacy, why aren’t single people afforded that same dignity?

When you’re single, it’s fair game for married people to demand information about your dating life, despite them revealing absolutely nothing about theirs. And while I respect their cone of silence and desire for privacy, why aren’t single people afforded that same dignity?

These voyeuristic impulses can mean that our married friends give more importance to our singleness, than we do. They’ll beg for updates about our dating lives, assuming that it’s a priority for us, when it’s often not our primary focus. After all, single people tend to volunteer more, engage in more civic and community groups and activities and generally just have more time than married folks, which means that many of us have the luxury of having rich lives filled with a lot more than dating (despite that being a very fine goal!!) Research has even found that single people tend to be more fulfilled than those who are married, so focussing your questions on who we are dating can feel reductive especially given all the other meaningful things we have going on that you could ask about.

Research has even found that single people tend to be more fulfilled than those who are married, so focussing your questions on who we are dating can feel reductive especially given all the other meaningful things we have going on that you could ask about.

To be fair to our married friends, this subtle devaluation of single people is subconscious, and reinforced from living in a society that rewards and celebrates partnering up. Heck, even our tax code discriminates against single people (and non-heterosexual unions). It’s not their fault! But while we didn’t cause this imbalance, we can be the generation job to fix it. I think change can begin with an update on the rules of engagement with our single friends. So in the spirit of improving relations between single and married people, I’d like to suggest a few ground rules.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS

1-Let them bring up their dating life.

If I never hear a “so what happened with that guy/gal?” I will die a happy woman.

New rule: If your single friend hasn’t brought up someone they went on a first date with, you can assume they probably didn’t go on a second one, and that it’s probably not for a fun reason. Trust that if things are going well, you will hear about it! And if your single friend has a bad story he actually feels like sharing, he will. Let your single buds steer the ship. They will bring up their dating life if they want to, don’t worry!

2-Don’t ask your single friends why they’re single.

This question is double homicide because it implies that being single is bad, and that the inferior lifestyle you’ve decided that they’ve chosen, is somehow their fault. I mean think about it, you wouldn’t ask “so why are you still married?” to a friend, so why is the reverse acceptable? Plenty of people are unhappily in a relationship, and tons are happily single. Our relationship statuses don’t determine how well our lives are doing. Being in a relationship is not a proxy for joy and being single is not synonymous with misery. If your friend brings this question up, you can certainly discuss it with them, but try to avoid imposing it on them.

3-Don’t assume your single friend wants to be partnered.

It might be shocking, but half of single people today aren’t looking to get in a relationship. In fact, only 14% of single people want a serious relationship. So before presuming you know what your friend wants, ask them! They’re the only expert on their own life.

4-Don’t assume your single friends aren’t getting “chosen.”

If your single friends are actively dating, they’re most likely doing the rejecting as much, if not more, that they are being rejected. So take that look of pity off your face!

5-Show your love with action, not words.

If your single friends do in fact want to be in a relationship, and have shared that with you, don’t try and solve their singleness with words, do it with action! Invite them to events where they could meet someone, or set them up with thoughtful and high-quality matches. Your single friends don’t need your unsolicited advice, they need your rolodex!

6-Celebrate your single friends’ non-relationship milestones.

The most loving gestures I’ve witnessed from my married friends is their recognition of landmark moments in my life that have nothing to do with being partnered. Women especially, tend to mostly get celebrated for marriage and motherhood, which creates a palpable imbalance, despite single women consistently and singlehandedly, changing the world.

I’m lucky that many of my coupled friends have showed their love with action throughout the years. When I recently moved into a new apartment, two of my friends who had recently gotten married, gave me soft sheets to sleep in and a pretty plant for my new kitchen. They even offered to help me do tasks that are hard to accomplish alone, like hang art and shelves on the wall. These kinds of thoughtful and attentive acts of kindness go a long way to erode the built-in inequality between those who are partnered and those who aren’t, and the cultural rituals that exacerbate it.

What do you think? How can we chip away at this invisible hierarchy so that married and single people can unite to destroy the walls that divide us? Please add your thoughts in the comments below! And be nice to each other! :)

Before I go, I want you to know that this SUNDAY February 11th at 9amPT/12ET we will be having our next Sharing Circle featuring my dear friend and resilience coach Komal Minhas. I’ve learned so much from her and I’m thrilled for you to get a glimpse of her magic too. She helps women, marginalized folks (and pretty much anyone!) overcome imposter syndrome, set goals, and reach them! She will be taking us through a fun exercise to get our month (and year) started right. Like always, you’ll be encouraged to participate and our community will hold space for each other’s growth. You need to be a paid subscriber to get access to the link on Sunday morning, so make sure to subscribe now so you don’t miss out! :)

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Lix