i want you to stay

some thoughts about suicide

You are not alone if you’ve ever had suicidal thoughts, many of us do. But knowledge of darkness doesn’t necessarily bring us to the light.

The sudden and tragic death of Stephen “tWitch” Boss has prompted me to share advice that I find to be impactful. Every time I’ve talked about it with someone who deals with these thoughts, they’ve told me it’s offered relief, so I feel compelled to share it with you here. I’m not a mental health practitioner by any means, so take whatever you like, and leave the rest.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

First, if you’re feeling scared because you’re overcome with thoughts of suicide, remember this: the fact that you’re scared is actually comforting. Wanting to die is an extraordinarily terrifying feeling, but the very presence of fear points to the fact that you, or at least a part of you, in fact, does want to remain alive. That part of you desperately loves you, and it is afraid because it wants you to hold on. And I actually think that frightened part of you, is actually you. The part telling you to end things and that you’re a burden, is not you. Simply remembering this can help ride the wave, and become an observer to the thoughts rather than get lost in them. It’s easier said than done, but anything you can do to create distance between yourself and that grisly soundtrack, the safer it can be for you.

The second piece of advice I received that helped tremendously, was realizing that connecting with someone was enough. When you’re in a dark place, you can feel like you either have to be masking or over-explaining, when in reality, you don’t have to choose to be in either of those extremes. You don’t have to pretend like everything is fine or describe every specific thought you’re having. Being stuck in this all or nothing dichotomy, which is common for people who deal with depression, means that you can remain isolated, which is both unhelpful and dangerous. So, if you’re in a bad place, contact someone you don’t need to perform for, and tell them you’re having a hard time, and unless you’re actively planning or hurting yourself, this may actually be enough in that moment. Maybe you just want to be held, sit in silence with someone, or want a friend to tell you about a funny thing that happened to them that day. Don’t wait to be “better” or more “together” because chances are, that isolation will only fuel the soundtrack of despair inside your head. If you have developed hyper-independence because of trauma of dysfunctional family systems, you may be waiting to work on what’s wrong before contacting anyone, but this is the very loop that creates and keeps us stuck in those negative loops in the first place. Take all the energy you’re spending on fixing, and put it into connecting instead.

Finally, don’t think yourself out of the dark, act your way out it. If you’ve engaged in self-harm, it can originate from a desire to punish yourself, and while I love a good affirmation, when you’re in this kind of triggered state, telling yourself “I am love and light” is absolutely useless, or in some cases even harmful. So when you’re at your lowest low, don’t talk yourself into loving yourself, behave as if you already do. I’ve told you about this advice before because it’s been effective for me, but ask yourself…what would the best mom ever do for you if she knew you were in a hard place? Would she let you eat dessert first? Would she let you zone out in front of a silly movie you’ve seen a million times? Whatever it is, do it and give yourself the permission to indulge, even if you don’t want to do it. When you do nice things for yourself when you feel bad, you’re essentially tricking your brain into thinking that you are in fact good.

I hope this helps you. And if you’re in pain, and need a friend, please dial 988 if you live in the US to be connected to a suicide and crisis lifeline or you can chat by going here. You can also call 1-800-273-8255 anytime, any day, 365 days a year. I love you and I want you to stay.

x

Liz-