if not this, something better

even your mistakes are perfect.

When I moved to New York, with my childhood mattress in a U-haul and zero job prospects, the voices inside my head were unanimous: "girl, absolutely not.” I was following my instincts, but my body and mind were extremely not on board. When my then-boyfriend and I were denied entry into the US by a few tyrannical border agents who told us that “domestic partner visas are for lesbians,” (no joke) a wave of panic washed over me. As we drove back to my parents house in a treacherous snowstorm, I tried to come up with a single rational reason to go through with this ludicrous decision, and my brain couldn’t. And yet, I couldn’t not…not do it.

Even once we miraculously made it through the border by pleading with our new frenemies at the Champlain–St. Bernard de Lacolle crossing, my situation only grew more grim. Without a visa and any relevant work experience (beyond waitressing and working at a community center for people with disabilities) no one would hire me. After being politely rejected for an unpaid fellowship that I was overqualified for, I hit rock bottom. As I desperately scanned craigslist and random job boards, I applied to be an intern at a tiny new media company no one had heard of called PolicyMic. Two months later, and 200 articles later (yes me and my carpel tunnel syndrome wrote five articles a day) I had doubled our traffic so my bosses enthusiastically sponsored me, and my words were suddenly being read by millions of people, and my career in journalism took off. As it turns out, being rejected for my dream fellowship was the best thing that happened to me. I often think back at that interview where I was fidgety and awkward, and go “thank god I bombed.” Something better was in store for me. I just didn’t know it yet.

When you reflect on your life, can you spot moments where you thought you were facing personal rejection, but it was actually just divine redirection?

Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

When I face difficult challenges, I’ll time-travel back to that period, to remind myself that what felt like my biggest mistake, was actually a blessing in disguise. I thought I had screwed up what was meant to happen, when in fact, everything was going according to plan.

Sometimes our intuition knows something that we don’t yet. I can’t tell you why I moved despite all the signs that I shouldn’t, but if I hadn’t trusted that omnipresent yet invisible force inside of me, I wouldn’t get to write these words to you, and experience the reward of being part of our luminous community. I couldn’t have even dreamed about the beauty of the connection we get to share and the movement we’ve co-created together. I can’t believe I almost missed out on all of it.

I guess god sees around corners that we don’t.

So how do we get better at following our instincts? For many of us, we have so many trust issues that we can’t even trust ourselves. I’ve already written about how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety before, but the TL;DR is to practice what I just did: go back to a time where your intuition about something was right and tag the feeling so you can recognize it in the future. I know that in my case, there was this groundedness, this resolute sense of certitude. There was something firm about that feeling, a form of knowing that wasn’t frenetic or impulsive.

Another important element to remember is that anxiety lives in your head, while intuition lives in your body. So often, to really know what’s right, we need to think less, not more. It means turning down the volume, and seeing what your body chooses when it’s still. That’s why the mere fact of slowing down, can make us more connected and aligned with ourselves. It becomes harder to betray yourself when you’re still.

Following your intuition feels a lot like coming home, and following your anxiety feels a lot like running away from it.

And if you’re really undecided, one way to tap into your intuition is to stand straight, close your eyes and ask yourself those important unresolved questions and see how your body reacts to them. Think about the person, the relationship, or the job that you’re not sure about, and let your body either lean back or lean forward when you think about them. Your body will tell you who and what is good for you. I’ve done this a few times and I’m always surprised by the clarity that this exercise produces.

Most of all, resist the urge to avoid or numb the pain. I know it’s so hard! But your sadness and anger have so much to tell you if you listen. Don’t run away from them, they’re desperate to be heard. If you spend enough time with your failures, you’ll realize that even your mistakes are perfect.

When did one of your failures turn out to be a secret win? How do you tell the difference between your instinct and your anxiety? Let me know in the comments!

x

-Liz