let them lose you
on breaking upwards
When I say the word breakup, your mind probably goes to romantic love but I find the term most useful when I apply it to everything. In fact, some of the most agonizing breakups I’ve ever had weren’t amorous at all, they were with a friend, a job or even an idea about myself that I had clung to. But despite humans being predisposed to bypass separation, I believe breakups are the best thing that can happen to us.
Okay but first, let’s admit that breakups are diabolically painful. If being dumped can feel like being punched in the face, it’s because chemically-speaking, it does. Research has found that romantic rejection activates the same parts of the brain that register physical pain. Scientists have even found that emotional stress like the one experienced during a romantic separation can actually cause stress to your actual heart by causing “the left ventricle of the heart to be ‘stunned’ or paralysed, causing heart attack-like symptoms including strong chest, arm or shoulder pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, loss of consciousness, nausea and vomiting.” So if it feels like their name hurts, it’s because it probably does. And most likely, your name still hurts when they hear it too. And if you’re going through it right now, remember that there’s a person out there who doesn’t know your name will make them feel like home yet.
But even hiding in the word breakup, is a vision for hope. I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that the word we use to signify the end of a relationship, also contains the word “up” in it. And when we use it as a verb, it becomes two separate words. There’s a reason we say “we broke up,” and not “we broke down.” Nestled in that distinction is a rugged optimism that separating from the old, doesn’t just imply the start of something new, but the promise of something better. A breakdown is a downward spiral, whereas a breakup, if done right, is an opportunity for elevation and genuine growth.
Even if we resist starting over, nature demands it. Renewal is encoded in our biology and mother earth’s most sophisticated ecosystems. The rain wants you to get wet so that you know the delight of being dry. The ocean’s waves wrestle with you so that you feel the joy of letting yourself float. Gravity lets you trip once in a while, just so you notice how your feet are almost always firmly planted in the ground. Every single thing around you is singing to you and just waiting for you notice.