no one robs an empty house

why your overthinking won't protect you

Seasons of growth usually come unannounced, like an unexpected phone call from an old friend, or a weird new mole on your back, there to reshuffle priorities and reveal what really matters. They say that when the lesson is needed, the teacher appears, but most of us often find creative ways to refrain from opening the door when healing comes knocking.

Photo by Reneé Thompson on Unsplash

I used to be the Serena Williams of maladaptive coping mechanisms. I don’t know what your avoidance tactic of choice is, but mine was intellectualizing. I would spend hours building up an argument about why someone hurt me, I would read books, listen to podcasts, bore my friends to death and create a Phd dissertation in my head mounting a defense that I would never actually present. Being mistreated became a complex three dimensional puzzle I needed to finish or a quantum physics equation that I needed to solve.

But this kind of obsessive rumination is not a way to face your problems, it's a way to avoid them. First, thinking about someone else’s character defects is a great way to avoid thinking about your own. It also makes you think you’re being productive when you’re actually just being self-destructive. But most importantly, behind an underlining desire to “figure out” the reason behind someone else’s shitty behavior is a desperate (and ineffective) attempt to protect yourself. If you can’t separate someone’s else’s behavior from my own value as a person, you will think that because someone did something rotten to you, it means you are rotten. So if you can explain their behavior, it means you’re safe. That’s what all your thoughts are doing. They’re trying to protect you.

Intellectualizing is something that smart adults do around a dinner table, but when it comes to our emotional lives, it’s a primitive response to pain. When you were young, your brain couldn’t conceive that other people’s actions weren’t about you. That’s why it’s so important to protect children and be gentle with them. Even the most badass kids will internalize everything adults do. So the work of growing is to be tethered to yourself and your behavior rather than the actions of others. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to be knocked around. Part of healing is being able to say “ouch that hurt me.” But it also means accepting how the other person acted and letting them own that. For all my survivors out there, that means remembering that you didn’t *cause* their bad behavior, you experienced it. 

People aren’t perfect. They are layered, complicated and like you, deeply flawed. I was on a podcast this week called You Need Therapy and the host Kathryn DeFatta said something so simple and yet profound: “everyone in your life at one point will disappoint you.” The cost of admission for being in relationship with other people is that you’ll eventually and probably be mortified by them. Other people make mistakes, and so will you. Relationships aren’t there to protect you from feeling pain, they’re there to show you that you can survive it. 

That being said, when someone is abusive or unable to take responsibility for their imperfections, intellectualizing can make you stay in a dead-end connection, or worse, take blame for their actions. If you tend to see the good in people, your brain will work hard to excuse the bad and you will become a magnet for the kind of people who are allergic to accountability. If you easily take the blame, be wary of people who often frame themselves as the victim in the stories that they tell about their life. Eventually, the scapegoat will be you.

And if you find yourself in a relationship with a person who treats you badly, do not use it as another reason to prove your inherent lack of value. They didn’t chose you because you’re weak, they chose you because you’re good. People who see the best in people are often targets for people who can’t see the best in themselves. You saw their potential and isn’t that beautiful?

And besides, no one robs an empty house. All your compassion is spectacular and it’s why those who walk through the world with an empathy-deficit will gravitate towards you. They want to snatch it. Hold onto that sparkle. You’re easy to love and you deserve to know it.