the price of healing
that no one talks about.
There’s a cost to the healing process that rarely gets discussed, and that I feel nervous even bringing up, but I have a suspicion that it might be something you’ve noticed too. I call it the price of healing. It happens when you know exactly what you’re doing wrong, and you may even have started to modify or change a maladaptive behavior, but you realize it means letting go of a part of yourself that you’re afraid to give up. All of a sudden you wonder, if I gain my sanity, will I lose everything else?
In other words, have you ever become attached to the worst parts of you? And more specifically, felt like the behavior that you’re desperate to get rid of is also necessary for you to succeed, or maintain the person you’ve presented to the world?
Growing up in a patriarchy as a woman, I’ve felt like the traits that I hate the most in myself, are also the ones that earn me the most unconditional acceptance and love. Anxiety makes women suppress our needs in the service of the wants of others. Insecurity makes us obedient. Imposter syndrome keeps us humble. Eating disorders keep us disciplined and docile. Dissociation makes us go along with what others want and override our own wants. The patriarchy loves a damaged woman.
And as you’ve heard me say ad nauseam now, this patriarchal architecture hurts men and they too, get rewarded for the most distorted parts of them. We glorify a faulty view of stoicism in men, that looks a lot less like radical listening, and more like bottling up emotions for the benefits of others. This impacts Black men disproportionately because hiding feelings can become the only way to survive in a white world. Some of the most admired men are some of the most evil craven people on the face of the earth, while those who are kind (especially to women) are often belittled and the butt of jokes.
It’s hard to feel like what you’re meant to leave behind, is also what makes you less likable in a society that prefers you when you’re broken.