what's the worst date you've ever been on?
For men a bad is awkward. For women, it could be a plot twist in a true crime podcast.
A few weeks ago, I was at a Shabbat dinner where the conversation took an unexpected turn. Allergic to small talk, I asked the woman next to me about the worst date she’d ever been on. Her tale of a guy showing up with no teeth, an eye patch and high on drugs felt straight out of a movie. Every woman at the table had a scary movie level story to share about a date that went awry. The guys at the table couldn't believe it: "Wait, do you actually worry about safety when you’re going out on a first date?" All the women nodded in unison. I knew there was something useful there to bridge the gap of understanding between men and women.
Determined to delve deeper, I decided to test out my theory in the real world in a little social experiment in Washington Square Park. There, my hypothesis was swiftly confirmed. I asked everyone the same question, but I got very different answers depending on the gender of the person answering it. “What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?” I asked anyone who agreed to speak with me. As I asked women about their dating experiences, the stories poured out—tales of feeling unsafe, being caught in uncomfortable or straight up dangerous situations (like being implicated in a crime when the guy tried to leave without paying their bill), and navigating through a minefield of potential risks. Here’s a summary of the responses:
In stark contrast, when I asked men about their worst dates, the stories were markedly different. While the women could instantly recall horrible dates they’d been on because they had left a mark on them, a lot of the men simply were dumbfounded to even think of one. One guy told me he had been on a bad date recently where the woman laughed at him for not knowing about a tik tok trend.
When I was done with my social experiment, I was reminded me of the stark reality captured in Margaret Atwood's poignant words: "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."
-Margaret Atwood
Now, let's be clear: acknowledging the gender safety gap in dating doesn't mean men haven't stumbled into their fair share of trainwreck or precarious dates. From awkward encounters to downright hazardous escapades, the dating world is rife with stories that could rival a Netflix thriller. Men can also find themselves in unsafe situationships, but when it comes to heterosexual dating, the risks often play out differently. So, while we're bridging the gap and learning from each other's experiences, let's also share a knowing laugh about the rollercoaster ride that is modern dating.
That being said, men understanding this gender safety gap ultimately just makes them better at dating women, and better men overall. Understanding the safety gap isn't about dwelling on fears, it's about stepping up. Imagine if every guy approached dating with this awareness. Imagine if we all understood and respected the concerns that women bring to the table. It's not just about being a better date—it's about being a better partner, one who plans thoughtfully and communicates clearly. And for what it’s worth, I also think that women understanding men’s fears when they go into dating would also be a valuable exercise. If men want to share them in the comments I wouldn’t hate it!
So, let's bridge this gap together. Let's make sure that every first date starts with empathy and ends with mutual respect for each other, regardless of our gender. Because when we listen and learn from each other, we can create a dating culture where everyone feels valued and safe. And who knows? Maybe we'll all end up planning better dates too.
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x
Liz
tell me about the worst date you’ve ever been on!