without abortion i wouldn't exist

from a dude to all the others dudes

After spending all week politely urging men to summon the basic amount of courage to take a *very controversial* stand on our government forcing incest victims to carry their assault pregnancies to term, I’ve decided to simply let men walk the talk and prove their decency to me.

Overturning roe will be one of the most violent and calamitous regressions in modern american history. And yet, a lot of men have been real quiet lately.

To the men who have spoken out: thank you. Your support hasn’t gone unnoticed, and in fact on some days, it’s been the only thing that’s kept me going.

To the men who have been silent: thank you too. I’ve noticed you and I can promise that the women around you have noticed you too. Many of you have even been the main character in our groups chats—not in a good way. What you have chosen to do during one of the darkest moments in women’s history has told us everything we need to know about you as a man.

And by remaining silent, you’ve let men like this speak for you:

Matt Gaetz @mattgaetz

How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?

My friend James Del is one the men that’s given me hope this week. He has a heartfelt Substack that I love and that you should subscribe to called Down the Pipes where he wrote a fantastic essay compelling men to do, well, literally anything. After a week of exhaustion from writing and fighting on tv about my basic human rights, he offered to take on the emotional (and actual) labor of my newsletter to speak directly to you. I’m thankful for guys like James and I encourage you to send the words he wrote below to the men in your life who have been comfortably quiet this week.

james del and me at the last gawker xmas party back when women had rights

Dear all dear dudes

My Guys (and yes, I do mean that in the most literal, cisgendered sense),

Like majority of the “minority rule” Republican party in this country, I am a tall, straight, white, upper middle class dude in the United States.

As a TSWD in the US, I’ve had a mostly charmed existence! I went to good schools in costly neighborhoods, I always have a well paying job lined up, I’ve had wonderful girlfriends, I own my house, and when I get pulled over (if I even get pulled over) I typically get a jokey warning while BS-ing with an officer of the law that looks and sounds just like me.

While I’ve never personally been in the situation where my actions directly caused someone to get an abortion (that I know of, I admit that I can’t possibly know for sure since it’s not my body), I’m only here today typing this because my mother and father heartbreakingly terminated a non-viable pregnancy in the 80’s. My mom and hypothetical older sibling weren’t expected to survive if she were forced to bring the pregnancy to term.

So in a very real sense, I am the breathing human result of an abortion. I only exist because a tearful choice was available to my mother when she needed it (nobody ever WANTS an abortion btw, usually a whole lot of things need to go wrong to wind up needing one). My parents wanted to love all their children as much as they currently still love each other 40+ years later, but that would only be possible if my mom could safely get the healthcare necessary to survive her first pregnancy. They went on to have me and two other amazing kids with no issues.

That’s why when Liz called abortion a "men’s right issue too” this week, her words resonated with me deeply.

Every person with a pulse is affected by the rights our government assigns to its citizens’ bodies, even if it isn’t MY body that’s being targeted…this time. As a sappy, left-leaning, patriotic elder millennial guy, I believe the idea of a country built on liberty and freedom of all its people means not forcing anyone to do anything against their will when it comes to their medical or bodily decisions. That’s it.

But even for a lifelong ally and pro-choice supporter like myself, this is still a tough subject to wade into as a TSWD. This fight has been bravely (and effectively!) led by generations of women who had literal skin in the game; we don’t want to speak over them or inadvertently do more harm than good. Finding our masculine voices on this subject may feel unnecessary, difficult, or impossible.

I urge you: Find it.

Donating, marching, and harassing your elected representatives should be minimum table stakes for this effort (money is especially helpful, this will impact the poorest among us first and hardest). But we should make it overwhelmingly apparent and obvious that the vast majority of us are in favor of abortion rights, and in no uncertain terms.

Get aggressive and loud if you have to; it’s not in my general nature to be like that, but the minority party pushing this terror are not inclined to listen to a woman, POC, or non-binary person about anything. They probably won’t be inclined to listen to you either, but at least you look and sound like they do.

For men with deep insecurities and likely zero hours spent in therapy, hearing other men call them out as monsters just hits ‘em different, but only if we hit ‘em where it hurts ‘em (and preferably in a voice that reminds them of their disapproving father or son). In Northern Ireland, Grandfathers for Yes and similar ally groups were a huge source of support for the pro-abortion movement.

I’ve also heard a lot of limp, mealy mouthed arguments this week about “states rights” from men who I’d expect more from…a kind of rhetorical punt to the sensibilities of voters on an issue that should not be subject to a vote. The last time a state voted to allow forced physical labor (aka slavery), we sent in the Union Army. Why would we ever accept any other kind of forced labor on a state by state basis? While I may want to scream at people like this, I’ve found these guys generally respond to calm, logical conversation about the subject. They’re not pro or anti, they’re indifferent because it doesn’t affect them. Explain how it could affect them, or how it could affect the people that they love. The hyper-pragmatic may even be swayed by the idea that our national drop in crime in the 90's seems connected to Roe decision 20 years prior.

You may not have all the facts straight yet, that’s ok…our enthusiastic support is what matters most right now. Keep learning and being open to conversations with the women and people in your life who have been in this fight longer and more intimately than perhaps you. Listen to the stories these reproductive defenders tell, empathize with what they’ve gone through or seen, and use your boomy, manly voices to amplify wherever possible and appropriate (of course you should get permission first…my mother’s day phone call home was used to make sure she was okay with me publishing this post, for example).

By allowing our privilege as TWSDs to be weaponized and deployed by the people whose rights are being threatened, we bring an enormous amount of visibility and validation to an issue that is often misclassified as “women’s issue.” It sucks that the minority party in this country only seems interested in hearing from voters that look like them, but all the more reason for people like us to make sure they know just how small their base actually is.

So, my duders: Please get in this one. If you have levers of power because you have money or a big organization under you or an audience you broadcast to or just people in your life who look up to you and value your opinion, ask yourself how you can be redirecting that power towards this fight. If you’re not sure, ask me or Liz or a person in your life who knows firsthand what’s at stake.

We will win this fight, abortion will be available to anyone who needs one, but only if we fight. A minority rule of a democracy is no democracy at all, so it’s on all of us to use whatever leverage we have to protect it. 

Even us dudes.