are you too smart to love?

some important thoughts on the new bachelor.

Recently, I wrote about why Joe Biden shouldn’t run and why you should challenge your friends to care about the Middle-East, but today I’m delving into far more controversial territory: the new Bachelor Joey Graziadei’s irresistible fatuousness.

When he confused Gypsy Rose Blanchard for Ruth Bader Ginsburg, we said nothing. With lips like that, who cares? And besides, who amongst us hasn’t mistaken a 32-year woman for an octogenarian? “I do know who this person,” Graziadei said as he held the image of Gypsy Rose Blanchard. “Is it Ruth? No? Is Jinsburg?” he continued, perhaps hoping that the late Supreme Court Justice’s name has two equally valid pronunciations, like the word “gif.” But when he referred to a European island built in 5900 BC, as having “old school vibes,” silence was no longer an option. The tik tok documenting the unfortunate incident racked millions of views as the national roasting began. I expected the comments to be ruthless but to my surprise, they were astonishingly celebratory. “He’s so funny, like this is my dream man,” one woman said. “He’s so simple, I love him,” said another.

All these comments had me pondering: are simple people easier to love?

After doing a fair amount of research, the answer was clear: while people with higher levels of education are more likely to be married, almost every other indicator reveals that the smarter you are, the more likely you are to struggle romantically.

And there’s a handful of reasons why.

For starters, highly intelligent people, are analytical people. They’re natural problem-solvers, so their brains have a tendency to predict problems before they happen. This skill is fantastic when they’re working on a difficult project at work, but not so helpful when they’re trying to get to know someone. They might even subconsciously, figure out why a relationship won’t work in their heads, before it actually plays out, and cut it short, effectively sabotaging perfectly good connections. Because they rely on their thinking so much, they may have a harder time feeling the full extent of their emotions, or the ones expressed by their partners. They may even have a habit of intellectualizing their feelings, creating more obstacles for intimacy.

Smart people also tend to set unattainable goals and are used to working hard towards them. This kind of pursuit of excellence makes them enterprising and often triumphant in their career. They often accumulate awards and accolades, but feel like the same success doesn’t translate to their relationships. Because they’re drawn to challenges, they may seek unavailable or subpar partners. Their passion for self-improvement may also make them stay in toxic dynamics too long, because of the belief that they can change themselves, or others. They can achieve the impossible in their careers, which makes them believe the same principle applies to their relationships. This intrinsic drive towards their personal goals can also make them value their independence, and view a partnership as a threat to it.

Gifted folks also tend to have high standards for themselves, and therefore others. They’re harder to please, and the people they are with have to exceed their expectations just to stay in their good graces. This may preclude them from experiencing the joys of being in a romantic partnership with someone who’s imperfect (just like them). Being really bright can come with an intensified attention and focus on finding “the one,” an ideal figure who will meet their high standards and never disappoint, which we all know, does not exist. Ultimately, this may limit their ability to compromise, a key ingredient for lasting relationships.

So if you’re a smarty pants who feel cursed in love, what can you do about it?

Well just because dating can be more laborious, it doesn’t mean it’s not possible for you! If you see yourself in some of the limitations and patterns that I listed above, you might want to soften your expectations, without compromising them. The easiest way to do this is to start with you. We put less pressure on others, by taking pressure off ourselves. If you’re more patient with yourself, and allow yourself to make mistakes, you’ll effectively become more patient with others when they make them too. A great exercise to get this going, is to think about an error you recently made, and identify the lesson behind it. For instance, if you screwed up a deadline at work, remember that it helped you become more direct when asking for help when you need it. The more you can turn gaffes into lessons, the less power you give to your inner critic to berate you (or others) when mistakes inevitably occur.

Another helpful tip is to interrupt the judgement loop before it begins. This means catching yourself when you’re about to judge someone, and reframing that negative thought into a positive one. Let’s say that a person you’re on a date with is wearing stripes with polka dots, or has a unique hairstyle that’s kinda goofy. Instead of concluding that they have poor taste, you could reframe it as showing that they have confidence in themselves, or that they’re a true original who doesn’t follow conventions. I’m not saying you should disregard your preferences or ignore red flags, but if you’re being judgemental (about something that’s not related to their character) just take a few seconds to pause to discern whether it’s a valid a reason to write them off.

Finally, while you may have a list of qualities that you’re looking for in a partner, try making a list of how you want to feel with a partner. Instead of judging potential partners based on objective characteristics that you can check off, focus on on how you feel with them. Is feeling safety or being at peace important to you? Write those down! Are you looking for someone who makes you feel supported and seen? Put that in there too. Instead of having specific standards about how a person should be like, decide how you’d like to be, when you’re in their presence. Keep that list handy when you come back from a date so that you’re using the right benchmarks to make a decision about whether you’re open to another one!

You just need to think less, and feel more. You’re not too smart to love, I promise!!

I hope this helps.

x

Liz-