This week I published a piece suggesting a new term: the pro-choice softboy, a man who collects the social currency and the sexual access that presenting as progressive gives him with women, but does very little to deserve it. When I had my friend James Del, who has a fantastic substack Down The Pipes, read it, he suggested that he write a response to help men stand in their power in this moment and do the difficult labor of offering them solutions. If James feels familiar that’s because he has contributed to Airplane Mode before when he wrote about the fact that without abortion, he wouldn’t be here. I hope you enjoy his response and advice for men. Perhaps the piece I wrote is something you forwarded to other women, but I’m hoping this is something you forward to the men in your life too. Above you’ll also find a little conversation between us if you prefer to watch rather than read!
A note from a recovering pro-choice softboy, James Del.
Look, if you read Liz’s piece and felt a twinge of “oh shit, it’s me,” don’t freak out. I’m now about as vocal as a straight dude can be about abortion, but every single time I attempt to speak up I need to consciously fight the urge to keep my mouth shut. It goes against my basic instinct of self-preservation to wade into a heated argument, but fighting that instinct is the whole thing.
I think the majority of pro-choice softboys exist not because they’ve evolved into uber Straussian pick up artists from hell, but rather because speaking up about issues is hard and scary in general, especially on a subject you might not feel personally qualified to speak to. It’s unnatural and uncomfortable to invite possible conflict into your life when it feels like abortion doesn’t have a direct impact on you, but 1) It very much does, for all the reasons Liz pointed out above and 2) Remember, you’re not the one inviting the conflict by saying out loud that people should have bodily autonomy.
Don’t let the small number of zealots trying to legislate other peoples’ choice away convince you that you’re the troublemaker here. That’s exactly what they want you to feel like, and exactly why so many of you have found it safer and more convenient to stay silent these past few months. Don’t buy in.
If you’re reading posts like this one, I have news for you: You’re more qualified to be a vocal ally than you think, at least from the perspective of understanding what’s at stake and why women need our voices right now. If you believe in the right to choose but haven’t found the words to say it out loud, start by saying it to yourself in the mirror. Then talk about it with an understanding friend. Then more friends. Then family. Get used to literally vocalizing your support wherever you can.
This doesn’t mean you need to start a viral TikTok channel harassing anti-choice protesters if that’s not your thing (but you can definitely share the channels that do)! Just speak up to the people around you.
In fact, the most critical impact you can have as a normally non-partisan, non-confrontational guy is to make abortion the issue you surprise people with. By showing that you’re comfortable speaking about abortion with your friends and family who wouldn’t expect that depth of commentary from you, you’re subtly empowering them to do the same in their own circles.
We need to normalize talking about the shock that everyone is feeling. Not to be confused with normalizing the shock, that’s bad. But apolitical, normally silent softboys taking an audible stand for the right to choose? Vocally expressing disbelief, disdain, frustration, and fear about anti-choice policies in a way that empowers other dudes to do the same?
Well that’s just pro-choice masculinity right there. We love to see it.
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