I so loved your previous post. I found it to be so gentle, so insightful, and so necessary. Relationships of any kind are inherently complex and yours was a mature take. Parents are imperfect people raising imperfect people and a quest for moral purity does us all a disservice. Of course, it's implied that I don't mean abuse here. I'd also caution any reader against conflating abuse with the normal human failings we all possess. I'd love to talk more about this. Thank you for a beautiful piece.
I appreciate the question. It's taken me a long time to feel more compassion and acceptance of my parents' rather standard level of emotional neglect. While I have found some compassion, and our relationship has improved, it's still not all that interesting, and I still resent them for not showing up better when I was a kid. Who am I to judge, but I do anyhow, and—I imagine you hear this from others, if they're being honest—my resentment is the main source of me feeling like I don't want to take care of them in their old age. I know, I'm sure Sharon Salzburg (mentioned below) would say "forgive everything," but this runs below the level of conscious forgiveness.
If you can’t wait to become a parent, you will REALLY look forward to becoming a grandparent! The empathy required is not linear; it is logarithmic! 😉
On a more serious, sober note, hard boundaries is hard for children to establish with their parents at any stage of the relationship, and when our children have children, it becomes even harder for them. Someday, I’ll share my experience transitioning from dad to granddad, once I figure it out... it is nothing like I thought it might be... (the Patriarchy REALLY doubles down at this stage...)
Empathy; men who become so frustrated that the only path they see before them is a gun and mass shooting. I hesitated tapping this out in a public forum — because, comments — but I think we can understand how men get to that point in our culture without condoning it. I think we need to begin to understand all of it, not just the availability of the guns, which is absolutely the first step. But our media and politicians rush to the narrative of “the gunman acted alone” because any empathy or understanding that “no, he didn’t” ... admitting that would mean they would have to do something uncomfortable.
I imagine the men who turn a gun on a crowd, a school, a bar ... see their world close in on them until at the very end stage, they are staring into a tunnel where darkness probably quite literally is blocking their peripheral vision, figuratively but also physiologically. They can’t see anything but the target that has been created for them... that moment before they pull the trigger, when they can decide to not... I often wonder about that moment...
I can't speak for all the negative comments, but I can totally understand where they're coming from. I'm 39, and I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD. My parents were my abusers, and, to this day, I struggle to keep healthy boundaries with them because of the shame I feel for not keeping a familial bond. At my worst, I worry about how as a father I'm influencing my sons to not honor a relationship with their parents. But it is not lost on me that it is entirely on me to not become a conduit for generational abuse. They deserve better.
Like you, I'm a big Brene Brown fan, having read many of her books. It wasn't until my CPTSD diagnosis that I realized that all the Brene Brown in the world wasn't going to heal the much deeper wounds I carry. It's funny, even though I know plenty of others who have suffered abuse and neglect from their parents (hello trauma bonding!), and that my story is much like theirs, it is only now that I see a lot of my personal setbacks are due to my parents immensely poor handling of my childhood (and now adulthood). For a while now, I've been trying to slap Brene Brown bandages on psychological hemorrhages.
My therapist recommended a couple new books for me, one being Pete Walker's Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: From Surviving to Thriving. In it, I learned that anger and crying is the potent combo in relieving much of the pain of devastating past trauma. The reason for this is that many of us with deep familial trauma have difficulty not continuing to suffer abuse without accurately seeing the abuse for what it is, rightfully having anger towards our abusers, and then grieving the loss of our childhoods and the affects we will continue to face in our adulthood.
For those upset by your previous post, I get it. They look to you for feminism, and then they see a post that speaks to a different hurt in their lives, one that you plainly say you're working on understanding. For them, and for me, holding too much compassion for our parents could leave us open to the abuse. It was recently that my friend was telling me that he was surprised I let my parents back into my life. And after some talking, it occurred to me, again, how much I had forgotten or let go instead of remaining steadfast in protecting my mental health from two people who did so much to hurt me and deprive me a of a childhood that I can never have.
Despite the the hardships, I still find beauty in relationships that are healthy, such as yours with your father who would supply you with an abundance of pancakes (or was it waffles?) even after having moved out from his loving home. But, as you have observed, not all are ready to see a story and be able to accept it without painful reactions. It sucks.
Since I've written this comment over the course of 3 hours while doing other things in-between, I don't remember what exactly I wanted to say. But I want to end with saying that I appreciate you doing what you can to understand the voices that "disagree" with you. I think you allowing as much grace as you do is powerful, and it showed in your work with For The Love of Men by being able to see beyond the surface layer hurt into a much deeper systemic issue that we can become more aware of to help us transition away from a harmful patriarchy.
I'm sorry that happened to you Shane, you deserved better than what your parents did to you. "trying to slap Brene Brown bandages on psychological hemorrhages" is such a heartbreaking, but precise way to put it. That's a familiar feeling for me too, thank you for putting it into words, although I do think Pete Walker's book was the first to help me cope with cptsd and help me understand it's something my brain can't help, rather than a personal failing. Although the brene brown books can help cope, I felt like his book could help me repair. I recommend it to anyone who experienced neglect or abuse in childhood.
The most annoying part of this essay is how you keep saying “Dr. Brene Brown.” She herself doesn’t use that title. The only time she referred to herself as “Dr.” was when her mother was hospitalized and she was introducing herself to the physician taking care of her mother and Brene was admittedly embarrassed and insecure AF and wanted to puff up.
I’m estranged from my mother. It’s a gigantic relief. Glad I didn’t read your article peddling compassion for one’s mother.
Who I follow devotedly is self love guru Sharon Salzberg. She teaches loving kindness and she says if you’re having trouble extending loving kindness to someone, go back to giving loving kindness to yourself. Mothers who were emotionally abusive- their adult child isn’t emotionally safe with them. And setting that boundary of- this is what I’d need to feel safe with you- I know of almost no one who’s mother who abused their child, has been able to acknowledge, change their behavior, apologize, and behave differently. I’m not saying it isn’t possible- it’d take a shit ton of work on the mother’s part and like I said I haven’t seen anyone who could do that. It’s easier to fall back into the patterns of- that’s just the way she is. She won’t ever change. Suck it up to keep the peace. My father would beg me “Can’t you just have a greeting card relationship with your mother?” And I’d laugh and say No. I told him my therapist said my mother is a narcissist. My Dad laughed and said “Yeah, and a bully and a tyrant.” The difference is he’ll never stand up to her or for himself. But so will.
I really enjoyed this post. I always say empathy is my superpower. One thing I heard recently to help me have more compassion for people in my life is, “Accept people for who they are and forgive them for who they’re not”. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Liz,
I so loved your previous post. I found it to be so gentle, so insightful, and so necessary. Relationships of any kind are inherently complex and yours was a mature take. Parents are imperfect people raising imperfect people and a quest for moral purity does us all a disservice. Of course, it's implied that I don't mean abuse here. I'd also caution any reader against conflating abuse with the normal human failings we all possess. I'd love to talk more about this. Thank you for a beautiful piece.
thank your putting your beautiful take into words! x
where can I watch the film mentioned?
I appreciate the question. It's taken me a long time to feel more compassion and acceptance of my parents' rather standard level of emotional neglect. While I have found some compassion, and our relationship has improved, it's still not all that interesting, and I still resent them for not showing up better when I was a kid. Who am I to judge, but I do anyhow, and—I imagine you hear this from others, if they're being honest—my resentment is the main source of me feeling like I don't want to take care of them in their old age. I know, I'm sure Sharon Salzburg (mentioned below) would say "forgive everything," but this runs below the level of conscious forgiveness.
If you can’t wait to become a parent, you will REALLY look forward to becoming a grandparent! The empathy required is not linear; it is logarithmic! 😉
On a more serious, sober note, hard boundaries is hard for children to establish with their parents at any stage of the relationship, and when our children have children, it becomes even harder for them. Someday, I’ll share my experience transitioning from dad to granddad, once I figure it out... it is nothing like I thought it might be... (the Patriarchy REALLY doubles down at this stage...)
Empathy; men who become so frustrated that the only path they see before them is a gun and mass shooting. I hesitated tapping this out in a public forum — because, comments — but I think we can understand how men get to that point in our culture without condoning it. I think we need to begin to understand all of it, not just the availability of the guns, which is absolutely the first step. But our media and politicians rush to the narrative of “the gunman acted alone” because any empathy or understanding that “no, he didn’t” ... admitting that would mean they would have to do something uncomfortable.
I imagine the men who turn a gun on a crowd, a school, a bar ... see their world close in on them until at the very end stage, they are staring into a tunnel where darkness probably quite literally is blocking their peripheral vision, figuratively but also physiologically. They can’t see anything but the target that has been created for them... that moment before they pull the trigger, when they can decide to not... I often wonder about that moment...
so well said!
Hi Liz,
I can't speak for all the negative comments, but I can totally understand where they're coming from. I'm 39, and I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD. My parents were my abusers, and, to this day, I struggle to keep healthy boundaries with them because of the shame I feel for not keeping a familial bond. At my worst, I worry about how as a father I'm influencing my sons to not honor a relationship with their parents. But it is not lost on me that it is entirely on me to not become a conduit for generational abuse. They deserve better.
Like you, I'm a big Brene Brown fan, having read many of her books. It wasn't until my CPTSD diagnosis that I realized that all the Brene Brown in the world wasn't going to heal the much deeper wounds I carry. It's funny, even though I know plenty of others who have suffered abuse and neglect from their parents (hello trauma bonding!), and that my story is much like theirs, it is only now that I see a lot of my personal setbacks are due to my parents immensely poor handling of my childhood (and now adulthood). For a while now, I've been trying to slap Brene Brown bandages on psychological hemorrhages.
My therapist recommended a couple new books for me, one being Pete Walker's Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: From Surviving to Thriving. In it, I learned that anger and crying is the potent combo in relieving much of the pain of devastating past trauma. The reason for this is that many of us with deep familial trauma have difficulty not continuing to suffer abuse without accurately seeing the abuse for what it is, rightfully having anger towards our abusers, and then grieving the loss of our childhoods and the affects we will continue to face in our adulthood.
For those upset by your previous post, I get it. They look to you for feminism, and then they see a post that speaks to a different hurt in their lives, one that you plainly say you're working on understanding. For them, and for me, holding too much compassion for our parents could leave us open to the abuse. It was recently that my friend was telling me that he was surprised I let my parents back into my life. And after some talking, it occurred to me, again, how much I had forgotten or let go instead of remaining steadfast in protecting my mental health from two people who did so much to hurt me and deprive me a of a childhood that I can never have.
Despite the the hardships, I still find beauty in relationships that are healthy, such as yours with your father who would supply you with an abundance of pancakes (or was it waffles?) even after having moved out from his loving home. But, as you have observed, not all are ready to see a story and be able to accept it without painful reactions. It sucks.
Since I've written this comment over the course of 3 hours while doing other things in-between, I don't remember what exactly I wanted to say. But I want to end with saying that I appreciate you doing what you can to understand the voices that "disagree" with you. I think you allowing as much grace as you do is powerful, and it showed in your work with For The Love of Men by being able to see beyond the surface layer hurt into a much deeper systemic issue that we can become more aware of to help us transition away from a harmful patriarchy.
I'm sorry that happened to you Shane, you deserved better than what your parents did to you. "trying to slap Brene Brown bandages on psychological hemorrhages" is such a heartbreaking, but precise way to put it. That's a familiar feeling for me too, thank you for putting it into words, although I do think Pete Walker's book was the first to help me cope with cptsd and help me understand it's something my brain can't help, rather than a personal failing. Although the brene brown books can help cope, I felt like his book could help me repair. I recommend it to anyone who experienced neglect or abuse in childhood.
The most annoying part of this essay is how you keep saying “Dr. Brene Brown.” She herself doesn’t use that title. The only time she referred to herself as “Dr.” was when her mother was hospitalized and she was introducing herself to the physician taking care of her mother and Brene was admittedly embarrassed and insecure AF and wanted to puff up.
I’m estranged from my mother. It’s a gigantic relief. Glad I didn’t read your article peddling compassion for one’s mother.
Who I follow devotedly is self love guru Sharon Salzberg. She teaches loving kindness and she says if you’re having trouble extending loving kindness to someone, go back to giving loving kindness to yourself. Mothers who were emotionally abusive- their adult child isn’t emotionally safe with them. And setting that boundary of- this is what I’d need to feel safe with you- I know of almost no one who’s mother who abused their child, has been able to acknowledge, change their behavior, apologize, and behave differently. I’m not saying it isn’t possible- it’d take a shit ton of work on the mother’s part and like I said I haven’t seen anyone who could do that. It’s easier to fall back into the patterns of- that’s just the way she is. She won’t ever change. Suck it up to keep the peace. My father would beg me “Can’t you just have a greeting card relationship with your mother?” And I’d laugh and say No. I told him my therapist said my mother is a narcissist. My Dad laughed and said “Yeah, and a bully and a tyrant.” The difference is he’ll never stand up to her or for himself. But so will.
I really enjoyed this post. I always say empathy is my superpower. One thing I heard recently to help me have more compassion for people in my life is, “Accept people for who they are and forgive them for who they’re not”. Thank you for all you do.