Drunk-Text Your Ex? Congrats, You’re Still Smarter Than Pete Hegseth

Rejoice, you beautiful disaster: the men in charge are so much worse.

Good news. You are allowed to be a mess today and every other day because the men running the world are not just messy, they’re biblical-level catastrophes.

No matter what mistake you made at any point in your life, it will never be as bad as the one that was made by our Secretary of Defense.

You are not the dumbest person in America today. Take a victory lap. Pop some lip gloss. Breathe.

That honor belongs, permanently and irrevocably, to Pete Hegseth: the human equivalent of a blue monster energy drink who leaked military war plans to the editor of The Atlantic on Signal.

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While you were agonizing over whether your slack message sounded “too aggressive,” this man was out here treating classified information like it was a late-night order for his drug dealer. You apologized to your male coworker for being too bossy? He potentially violated the Espionage Act.

Let that liberate you.

Since Trump and his clown car took power the bar is not just low, it’s six feet underground, buried next to the remains of male accountability. And yet here you are: showing up, overthinking, proofreading, saying “no worries if not!” like a professional hostage negotiator in every email.

Enough. That stops today.

I think this moment, albeit terrifying, should give all of us permission to do something I’ve been thinking about for a while: soft launch our Nihilistic Girl Era. A time of radical detachment, strategic delusion, and refusing to feel shame for things that powerful, incompetent men don’t even register as mistakes. It’s not that you don’t care. It’s that you’ve seen behind the curtain. You know the system is broken, the stakes are fake, and the guys running the show are one red bull away from accidentally declaring war via group chat. So no, you’re not going to contort yourself into corporate palatability or spiral over a mistake. You’re going to laugh, log off, wear something unhinged, and live like the hot little speck of stardust you are. Because if nothing matters, you might as well do whatever the f*ck you want. Sparkle on.

Because while you’re triple-checking your calendar invite tone, the Pete Hegsethes of the world are turning global diplomacy into a drunk group project.

And the worst part?
They don’t even feel bad about it. I mean House Speaker Mike Johnson simply called it a “mistake” and said he would “make sure it doesn’t happen again.” A mistake????? A mistake is when I accidentally say “love you” when I hang up the phone with my boss. Leaking military war plans to a journalist isn’t a mistake, it’s a plot point in a docuseries called Why Women Should Be The Only Ones Owning Phones. Also according to Republican logic, the only reasonable punishment for leaking classified documents is jail. Remember their cute Lock Her Up chants? Why would it apply to a woman who was secretary of defense but not the guy who is now?

They fumble, they fail, they get promoted. Meanwhile, women are out here having an existential crisis over how many exclamation points they should bookmark a reasonable request with.

We have been conditioned to believe that making a mistake makes us unworthy. That one misstep will make the whole tower collapse. That perfection is the price of admission.

But here’s the truth:
Nothing matters anymore. The system is rigged. The powerful are clowns. And while that’s definitely scary, it can also be liberating too.

If we’re all careening through late-stage capitalism on a flaming jet ski of despair, you might as well write that risky email, triple text that person, and take the nap and the PTO. You might as well also boo your republican congressman and scream at corrupt public servants in public. A felon is president. Do whatever you want.

The men who run the world do less with more and never apologize for any of it.

You do more with less and are still out here freaking out about an extra

Let that go.

Be cringe. Be chaotic. Be wrong.

Just don’t be a Pete! The bar is is in hell so you might as well enjoy the fact that you’ll never be as bad as the men stumbling to govern the country. Use that valid superiority complex to power your day. If we’re going to live through nihilistism, we might as well use it to our advantage.

Did your mistake threaten national security? No? Then you’re good!

You’re not the disaster here. They are. And that’s your superpower.

Now go enjoy your life preferably without committing any felonies. You’re already winning.