what is millennial imposter syndrome?

some scattered birthday thoughts.

This week is my birthday, so I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. In a good way! I think aging feels the same for everyone, but that it also feels distinct for each generation. All of us feel this pretty universal discomfort with the idea of getting older because it means we’re getting closer to the finish line, but I’d argue that for millennials, our issue with aging is not that we feel old, it’s actually the opposite…that we feel eerily young for our age.

If you’re a millennial, have you ever feel like you’re not really your age? That what you thought your life would be like at your current age, is completely different from how it actually is like? Some people are calling this “millennial imposter syndrome” a distressing feeling fueled by a stark mismatch between your chronological age and the state of your life.

For me, this looks like being 36, but feeling like if I got pregnant tomorrow, I’d 100% be a teen mother. I feel wholly unprepared for motherhood in a way that feels arresting. The visual of me becoming a mom, is the part of the informercial that’s in black and white where the woman just bumbles around breaking stuff.

I know that if I put my mind to it, I’d probably be a great teen mom, but I’m just haunted by the lack of infrastructure in my life that I would need in order to pull it off. When I imagined “parent” in my head back when I was kid, the person I am now, is not who I had in mind. Parents have houses, savings, practical haircuts and own leaf rakes. I have none of those of things!

Part of the reason why so many millennials feel behind, is that there’s an enormous gap between our parents’ experience and our own. We graduated into the 2008 recession and did it with far more student loans, while Baby boomers “are currently the wealthiest generation on the planet” and hold half of the nation’s entire house wealth. For a bunch of reasons, most millennials are now objectively worse off than their parents. Because of rising interest rates, it’s become harder and harder to own property. The average first time buyer is now 36 years old, the highest age ever recorded. Black millennials have become the most disadvantaged generation when it comes to home ownership. Typically, children can expect to have better financial prospects than their parents did, but millennials were the first to reverse that expectation.

All of this instability has lead to a collective feeling of misalignment amongst many millennials that can be only be diagnosed as generalized imposter syndrome. According to researchers, imposter syndrome leads to the 4Ps: people pleasing, perfectionism, paralysis and procrastination. This can mean overly deferring to others about your own life choices, and delaying big life events until you feel like you’ll be perfectly ready for them. For millennials, this has meant putting off marriage or kids indefinitely, or moving back home with our parents instead. For single millennials, it’s looked like living with roommates or friends well into their 30s or 40s, because they can’t afford to live alone.

How do we heal millennial imposter syndrome? First, we have to redefine what success looks like for us. If we use our parents or tv shows that we grew up with as a benchmark, we’ll feel like failures. I mean Ally McBeal was only 27 years-old, and yet her life was supposedly a hot mess because she wasn’t married with kids yet?! Or remember the episode of Friends where they all freak out about getting old, but they were actually just turning turning 30? The image we crafted in our head of what our life would be like, is going to be very different from what’s possible or even probable for us. And that’s okay! Accepting and pivoting away from a model that’s no longer available, gives us the opportunity to create our own paradigm of happiness.

And different doesn’t mean we’re worse off in every way! Maybe millennials don’t own homes, but we’re actually more likely to feel like our jobs have meaning. In fact, 60% of us feel a sense of purpose at work, making us the happiest generation in the workplace. We also volunteer more! And while we might be having kids later (or never), according to happiness data older millennials actually enjoy high levels of life satisfaction. We’re known for spending our money on experiences rather than material items, which might contribute to our higher, and more lasting happiness. And delaying parenthood has meant that millennials are more equipped for parenthood. In fact data shows that 3 out of 4 millennials feel like they’re better parents than their parents were. And finally, while millennials as a demographic are struggling now, they have better retirement prospects than their parents did. So while we’ve been dealt a difficult deck of cards, we should feel proud of what we’ve been able to do with it.

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention that this level of unprecedented chaos has actually kept millennials looking much younger than other generations, so much so that people can’t stop writing about it. Because we haven’t reached those classic adulthood landmarks, we still dress and speak like we’re in this permanent state of adolescence, which honestly has its perks, visually! Millennials are even aging significantly better than Gen Z, despite the fact that most of us only started wearing sunscreen during Obama’s second term.

So yeah maybe we don’t drive minivans or own two-story homes, but we’re actually doing a lot with our time on planet earth. Sure, we were born with more adversity, but look at all the resilience and grit we developed as a result of everything we had to overcome. Just because it’s different, it doesn’t mean it’s bad.

How do you feel about aging, and do you think it differs from generation to generation? Let me know in the comments.

And before I go, I just want to remind you that we will be having a SUNDAY SHARING CIRCLE April 6th at 9amPT/12ET featuring Christopher Rivas. That means you get to be on zoom with me, and share your struggles and wins with our community! Make sure to become a paid subscriber now that you get the link that morning and don’t miss out. For my birthday, I’m offering a very special 20% off for the rest of your life, if you subscribe now! Do it!!

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