how to grieve something you never had

let's talk about ambiguous loss

Have you ever had to grieve the loss of something that was never yours to begin with?

That strange and confusing feeling has a name, and it’s called “ambiguous loss.” It was a concept discovered by psychologist Pauline Boss in the 1970s when she was working with fathers who were deployed or estranged from their families because they had to work overseas, but it can extend to a whole host of experiences where circumstances of separation are unresolved. It’s a loss without closure, or that involves a lot of emotional confusion which can postpone the grieving process altogether, and in some cases make it last longer. It can happen when we lose parts of a person, like when a loved one has alzheimer’s or is struggling with sickness or mental health troubles, so they might be physically there but feel psychologically altered. And it’s also common when someone is dealing with divorce, or separation due to immigration or incarceration.

But we can also grieve people we never met, like a child that was wanted, but was never born because of a miscarriage or a pregnancy complication. It can cause “disenfranchised grief” which is when someone’s loss is not acknowledged or flat-out invalided. People might not understand why we’re so upset and they might wonder why we’re not “over it” which of course makes it worse. 

I recently learned about this concept from my friend Esther Perel, when she came on Race to 35 for a special bonus episode, after Monica and I froze our eggs, and it didn’t go as planned. The devastation was so great that we considered not sharing some of the results with you, but we felt that it was necessary to be fully candid about the whole process, even the parts that we wish we didn’t have to experience or share. When Monica received her results, my mom said that it was similar to the pain that many women feel after a miscarriage. It can feel confusing to be this upset about something you never had. And it goes beyond fertility, because it can happen with anything from work to relationships too. Have you ever had to get over someone you never even dated? There’s no roadmap for that.

So what can we do about it? One way to avoid ambiguous loss would be to never imagine future joy. Some people live their lives this way. You’ve met them. And maybe sometimes you’ve been them too. Many of us prefer to imagine the worst case scenario because planning for the best is risky. What if the thing I want doesn’t happen? What if I wish for it and it doesn’t come true? We play it cool even in the privacy of our brains as if being too eager with our dreams would make them less interested in us. Being coy with our goals becomes a way to ensure that if they don’t come true, we can pretend like we didn’t even want them to begin with.

That’s why so many of us “dress rehearse tragedy” as Brené Brown puts it. The shame scholar says that many of us end up spending more time imaging what could rot instead of what could grow. Anticipating all the ways an interview, a date or even a conversation can go wrong, is your brain trying to save you. But while being a negative nancy might offer protection from future disappointment, it also robs you from happiness in the present. Our pre-frontal cortex was designed to plan for threats but sometimes it needs to be reminded that we’re a lot safer than it thinks we are. So if you’re experiencing ambiguous loss, name it. As I’ve written about it before, labelling our emotions helps us cope with them.

And if you have ever felt ambiguous loss, congratulations. It means you let yourself get to know your deepest desires rather than be afraid of them. Hoping for the best is not cringe or dumb, it’s strong and brave. By being vulnerable enough to admit the beauty you want in your life, you are laying down a proverbial welcome mat for it. We only get what we think we deserve, so keep dreaming.

Photo by Joshua Rondeau on Unsplash

One last thing! For the holidays, I’m offering 20% off the subscription price if you still need that last-minute gift for yourself or a loved one. I’m so glad you’re here.