the number one predictor of divorce
and how to get rid of it.
Relationships are hard, but the one thing that certifiably makes them infinitely harder is a corrosive substance called contempt.
According to clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman's research, with the world renown Gottman Institute, if one partner views themselves as superior to the other, it’s the most surefire signal that the relationship won’t last. Couples who are contemptuous are even less likely to be healthy, as data finds that those couples are more likely to develop infectious diseases like the cold of the flu. I guess the body does really keep the score.
Physiologically, contempt is fueled by a stress hormone called adrenaline that tends to make us more confident about ourselves, but also less empathetic to others, which is kind of a deadly combo when it comes to productive conflict resolution. If contempt was a flower, negative thoughts about your partner would be its soil, and the inability to express them would be the water that makes it grow. It often comes from a place of feeling unappreciated, undervalued or neglected, which festers and multiplies, especially if it’s never communicated. This unexpressed frustration finds its way out in the form of eye rolls, scorning or mocking your partner. Contempt is when you lose respect for your partner, and it shows.
I talked about how contempt and resentment can fracture our romantic bonds on Synced this week while Monica and I were answering a question from a woman who was struggling because she makes *eight times* more money than her husband. She explained that she was feeling irked that he was using her hard-earned salary on “car repairs and elective surgeries.” She also felt envious of her single friends who had more disposable income than her, despite seemingly working just as hard. While women who make more than their husbands are still outliers, they are a growing bunch, so this tricky dynamic is happening in more households than we probably think. And the gender roles being flipped when women are the primary breadwinner complicates things even more. It isn’t just hard on women, it causes dysfunction for men too. As I wrote in For The Love of Men, men who make less than their wives are more likely to cheat on them, and develop health problems such as stomach ulcers, heart disease and cancer.
So what can we do to reduce contempt in our relationships?
The first thing to do is to have the conversation you are afraid to have. Stop complaining to your friends and family about your person— have the courage to tell them instead. Even if it feels small or petty, bring up what’s bothering you by approaching the conversation with how *you* feel about it. “When you spend money on frivolous things, I get really angry and upset,” would be a good place to start. Instead of focussing on their behavior, focus on your feelings about it. No matter how miffed you feel, assume that your partner has pure intentions (unless you have been proven otherwise!) or at least try not to assign any specific intentions to their actions. As we know and have discussed before, bad communication is assuming that you already know. Couples that can do this, will be more likely to approach their problem as a team, rather than as adversaries. You could even get into special outfits or wear matching hats when you fight, so that you are visually primed to act like you are teammates rather than enemies. Lastly, I would spend some time thinking about your part in it. This is not to victim-blame, but rather to help you keep your side of the street clean, and be guided to the best course of action for you in this relationship. Your own behavior is ultimately the only thing that you can control anyways, so you might as well reflect on what you are actually able to change.
In order to be loved, you have to be known. The uncomfortable conversation you’re dreading with that important person in your life will either bring you closer, or reveal why it would make more sense to be further apart. Living in the fog of ignorance about how they may react seems safe temporarily, but it will slowly contaminate the bond you both cherish. Don’t let resentment steal your relationship without a fight.
I hope this help someone.
x
Liz
I can relate wanting to be known, needing to be known. My last relationship I really let myself be seen ,but felt I was so constantly ridiculed I became very unhappy. When I decided to end things there was some very hurtful things said to me. But as per your most excellent book I am proud that I was really vulnerable with someone and just take that chance.
Important post Liz. In my experience, my purchases are never frivolous and in my person’s experience their purchases on never frivolous. So it’s less a matter of a purchase being frivolous as it being that *I* don’t see the value in a purchase that *I* wouldn’t make myself, so I discount it and classify it as “frivolous”. Reframed “when you make a purchase over $xxx without checking with me first, I feel unimportant/not cared for/upset. Would you check in with me before you make a purchase over $X moving forward?”