I can relate wanting to be known, needing to be known. My last relationship I really let myself be seen ,but felt I was so constantly ridiculed I became very unhappy. When I decided to end things there was some very hurtful things said to me. But as per your most excellent book I am proud that I was really vulnerable with someone and just take that chance.
i hope you are proud of yourself for being strong enough to leave 🫶 and just because you let yourself be known it didn’t mean that they deserved to know you :)
Important post Liz. In my experience, my purchases are never frivolous and in my person’s experience their purchases on never frivolous. So it’s less a matter of a purchase being frivolous as it being that *I* don’t see the value in a purchase that *I* wouldn’t make myself, so I discount it and classify it as “frivolous”. Reframed “when you make a purchase over $xxx without checking with me first, I feel unimportant/not cared for/upset. Would you check in with me before you make a purchase over $X moving forward?”
Love that you wrote more about this after it came up on Synced (y’all are crushing btw but also obvi). Contempt always makes me think a bit about what Esther Perel says about resentment and how the other side is almost always envy. That kind of blew my mind when I first heard that. It totally reframes it from what the partner is or isn’t doing (which often is very much a thing that needs communicating about) to what you feel like you’re missing or longing for. This came up in my marriage in postpartum when I felt resentful that I was the only one up all night, exhausted and hadn’t spoken to another person about anything other than my little squish at home for what felt like centuries. And then I heard Esther say that and I realized, I didn’t want him to feel as miserable as I did or “have less” of what made him happy. I just wanted some of what he had: Sleep, time with friends and outside the home. --Which ultimately meant he needed to do more of what I was doing to afford me those opportunities. I’ve thought a lot about that person who posed that question and wondered what she may be longing for.
As a couples therapist, I fully endorse your tips, especially the first one about talking directly with your partner and not triangling family members and friends into the conflict.
Honestly, there are a few things here that caught me up.
Mainly, the woman, "...who was struggling because she makes *eight times* more money than her husband. She explained that she was feeling irked that he was using her hard-earned salary on “car repairs and elective surgeries.” She also felt envious of her single friends who had more disposable income than her, despite seemingly working just as hard...".
I really want to have a conversation with this person and people like her.
-Why are you marrying someone with whom you do not communicate?
-Why are you telling the public about the animosity hidden in your marriage (but not your husband)?
-Did you discuss expenses with your husband before they were made?
Then, I just want to offer advice to whoever reads this: be friends with your partner. This is a minimum requirement. They are not a belonging or a rental. If you marry someone, I think it should be like welding. Two pieces of metal are not two pieces after the weld is made- they are one thing. If the welder left a crack it is because he failed.
You don't have to agree with me, but I couldn't just let this one go by without putting a word in here.
I began reading this the day it hit my inbox but abruptly stopped after the first paragraph. It hit home and I avoided this substack just I as I was avoiding the conversation with my wife. Nine months. Nine months between this dropping and the actual conversation. Your words prepared me for that difficult conversation. Thank you.
I can relate wanting to be known, needing to be known. My last relationship I really let myself be seen ,but felt I was so constantly ridiculed I became very unhappy. When I decided to end things there was some very hurtful things said to me. But as per your most excellent book I am proud that I was really vulnerable with someone and just take that chance.
i hope you are proud of yourself for being strong enough to leave 🫶 and just because you let yourself be known it didn’t mean that they deserved to know you :)
Important post Liz. In my experience, my purchases are never frivolous and in my person’s experience their purchases on never frivolous. So it’s less a matter of a purchase being frivolous as it being that *I* don’t see the value in a purchase that *I* wouldn’t make myself, so I discount it and classify it as “frivolous”. Reframed “when you make a purchase over $xxx without checking with me first, I feel unimportant/not cared for/upset. Would you check in with me before you make a purchase over $X moving forward?”
i love your reframe so much you’re right it’s subjective and so much better to own it!
Love that you wrote more about this after it came up on Synced (y’all are crushing btw but also obvi). Contempt always makes me think a bit about what Esther Perel says about resentment and how the other side is almost always envy. That kind of blew my mind when I first heard that. It totally reframes it from what the partner is or isn’t doing (which often is very much a thing that needs communicating about) to what you feel like you’re missing or longing for. This came up in my marriage in postpartum when I felt resentful that I was the only one up all night, exhausted and hadn’t spoken to another person about anything other than my little squish at home for what felt like centuries. And then I heard Esther say that and I realized, I didn’t want him to feel as miserable as I did or “have less” of what made him happy. I just wanted some of what he had: Sleep, time with friends and outside the home. --Which ultimately meant he needed to do more of what I was doing to afford me those opportunities. I’ve thought a lot about that person who posed that question and wondered what she may be longing for.
Love this, great insight!
As a couples therapist, I fully endorse your tips, especially the first one about talking directly with your partner and not triangling family members and friends into the conflict.
Honestly, there are a few things here that caught me up.
Mainly, the woman, "...who was struggling because she makes *eight times* more money than her husband. She explained that she was feeling irked that he was using her hard-earned salary on “car repairs and elective surgeries.” She also felt envious of her single friends who had more disposable income than her, despite seemingly working just as hard...".
I really want to have a conversation with this person and people like her.
-Why are you marrying someone with whom you do not communicate?
-Why are you telling the public about the animosity hidden in your marriage (but not your husband)?
-Did you discuss expenses with your husband before they were made?
Then, I just want to offer advice to whoever reads this: be friends with your partner. This is a minimum requirement. They are not a belonging or a rental. If you marry someone, I think it should be like welding. Two pieces of metal are not two pieces after the weld is made- they are one thing. If the welder left a crack it is because he failed.
You don't have to agree with me, but I couldn't just let this one go by without putting a word in here.
Have a great day.
-Some Dude Online
I began reading this the day it hit my inbox but abruptly stopped after the first paragraph. It hit home and I avoided this substack just I as I was avoiding the conversation with my wife. Nine months. Nine months between this dropping and the actual conversation. Your words prepared me for that difficult conversation. Thank you.