I have to argue a long time dissertation of mine: most men dress to project an image to potential mates, women dress to project an image to women. For the sake of ease and experience, I’ll say most straight men I know learn to dress in the context of impressing women. Our sisters and mothers and female friends take us to the store and teach us how clothing projects an image to women as a prime part of the dating experience. Until then, we were completely happy with our t-Rex T-shirt’s that our mothers bought us. Women have a much more in tune knowledge about what image their clothing projects. From a young age, girls are discerning about their sparkle shirts or yellow boots or pink bows, but they wear them for themselves first.
Most women then start adjusting how they dress in relation to other women. Some women dress to be morally superior to their peers, while others dress to be socially superior. Some women dress to blend with their female peers, while others dress to be counter to the prevailing female trends. The most notable exception to this is women who have undergone trauma, who I see often have a strong focus on avoiding any sexual gaze. Excluding this, it seems most women base the decisions on their clothing to set a position among their female peers, and then leverage this position (rather than their clothing) to find a sexual partner.
A prime point is luxury brands. Living in NYC, I can’t name a single male friend who knows what a pair of Louboutins are. Yet among women, they’re an iconic status symbol. My female friends treasure their Louboutins for every penny they’re worth, while every guy they encounter wouldn’t be able to separate them from a pair of Target stilettos
This leaves us with a vital point: while men control institutions of power, women dictate cultural trends. Men will drift towards finding the women most valued by other women as the highest value mate, while women will find the men most valued by other women as the highest value mate.
Think about cultures in which large ear loops or extremely elongated necks or tiny feet are valued. These things were adopted by women and transferred between generations of women. Men were then basically told based on their wealth and position what foot size or neck size they could expect to marry. I don’t think at any point, any of those men were thinking “wow, I am so physically attracted to this super long neck.” It was more of a “my ability to marry this woman will show the people around me how much I have accomplished.” But at the core of it, the institution of women cultivating value in these things is what made men value them.
To that end, if women want to change cultural trends and moors, it’s pretty much completely on them. The patriarchy responds only to the output of the values women dictate. Collaborate to elevate women based on their intellect and strength and creativity rather than their clothing and beauty. Pass it on to your daughters, and in 3 generations, you’ll have completely changed the value of women.
Firstly, is that dissertation available anywhere and secondly, I think Liz has a book here. “I do this for you” is a good working title until something else comes along. And now that last statement got me thinking even more subtext lies below the beige...
Ahhh! So on point Liz! Thanks so much for this added comment to the topic ❤️
I’ve recently reflected with my best friend, why do we judge credibility of women who are “healers” of some sort, while at the same time they’re doing some alterations to their body or at least wear heavy make up. That a woman who is doing that, obviously is not comfortable with her body so why should we trust her to help us heal or work on ourselves and our traumas.
I sometimes feel that no matter what we do as women, the internal misogyny drives us to criticize our own actions and choices (and fellow women), solely because we’re so used to judging and dictating women in the first place.
I’m getting so much inspiration from your articles and podcasts, thank you! Hugs from a polish girl in Oslo 🌸
Love this! We should all have the right to dress up for anyone we like.
Although I doubt that really “Everything we do is for you.” Perhaps this is obvious, but it feels like that's overstating a bit. You're sort of speaking for the collective of (hetero) women there? And, as in the past?
yes...under patriarchy i think a lot of women do a lot of things for men, some of it even subconsciously even queer women have to do things to appease men and patriarchal norms to thrive or even survive!
“The visceral reaction we have to women doing anything for a man comes from living in a world that conditions women to do too much for men.” Soooo very powerful!! We appreciate you Liz! x let’s decringe heterosexuality and embrace ALL
For most animals, it's the male that must "dress up" and show off. I've often wondered why this isn't always true with humans.
so so so true and men do signal status in more ways than i think women know...
peacocking!!
It is! It just depends on the culture. Look at pre revolutionary France, for instance. The wigs! The feathers! The paint!
I have to argue a long time dissertation of mine: most men dress to project an image to potential mates, women dress to project an image to women. For the sake of ease and experience, I’ll say most straight men I know learn to dress in the context of impressing women. Our sisters and mothers and female friends take us to the store and teach us how clothing projects an image to women as a prime part of the dating experience. Until then, we were completely happy with our t-Rex T-shirt’s that our mothers bought us. Women have a much more in tune knowledge about what image their clothing projects. From a young age, girls are discerning about their sparkle shirts or yellow boots or pink bows, but they wear them for themselves first.
Most women then start adjusting how they dress in relation to other women. Some women dress to be morally superior to their peers, while others dress to be socially superior. Some women dress to blend with their female peers, while others dress to be counter to the prevailing female trends. The most notable exception to this is women who have undergone trauma, who I see often have a strong focus on avoiding any sexual gaze. Excluding this, it seems most women base the decisions on their clothing to set a position among their female peers, and then leverage this position (rather than their clothing) to find a sexual partner.
A prime point is luxury brands. Living in NYC, I can’t name a single male friend who knows what a pair of Louboutins are. Yet among women, they’re an iconic status symbol. My female friends treasure their Louboutins for every penny they’re worth, while every guy they encounter wouldn’t be able to separate them from a pair of Target stilettos
This leaves us with a vital point: while men control institutions of power, women dictate cultural trends. Men will drift towards finding the women most valued by other women as the highest value mate, while women will find the men most valued by other women as the highest value mate.
Think about cultures in which large ear loops or extremely elongated necks or tiny feet are valued. These things were adopted by women and transferred between generations of women. Men were then basically told based on their wealth and position what foot size or neck size they could expect to marry. I don’t think at any point, any of those men were thinking “wow, I am so physically attracted to this super long neck.” It was more of a “my ability to marry this woman will show the people around me how much I have accomplished.” But at the core of it, the institution of women cultivating value in these things is what made men value them.
To that end, if women want to change cultural trends and moors, it’s pretty much completely on them. The patriarchy responds only to the output of the values women dictate. Collaborate to elevate women based on their intellect and strength and creativity rather than their clothing and beauty. Pass it on to your daughters, and in 3 generations, you’ll have completely changed the value of women.
Firstly, is that dissertation available anywhere and secondly, I think Liz has a book here. “I do this for you” is a good working title until something else comes along. And now that last statement got me thinking even more subtext lies below the beige...
Ahhh! So on point Liz! Thanks so much for this added comment to the topic ❤️
I’ve recently reflected with my best friend, why do we judge credibility of women who are “healers” of some sort, while at the same time they’re doing some alterations to their body or at least wear heavy make up. That a woman who is doing that, obviously is not comfortable with her body so why should we trust her to help us heal or work on ourselves and our traumas.
I sometimes feel that no matter what we do as women, the internal misogyny drives us to criticize our own actions and choices (and fellow women), solely because we’re so used to judging and dictating women in the first place.
I’m getting so much inspiration from your articles and podcasts, thank you! Hugs from a polish girl in Oslo 🌸
Love this! We should all have the right to dress up for anyone we like.
Although I doubt that really “Everything we do is for you.” Perhaps this is obvious, but it feels like that's overstating a bit. You're sort of speaking for the collective of (hetero) women there? And, as in the past?
yes...under patriarchy i think a lot of women do a lot of things for men, some of it even subconsciously even queer women have to do things to appease men and patriarchal norms to thrive or even survive!
Fair.
“The visceral reaction we have to women doing anything for a man comes from living in a world that conditions women to do too much for men.” Soooo very powerful!! We appreciate you Liz! x let’s decringe heterosexuality and embrace ALL